WHY I SHOULD HATE MEN.

Yes, you read right!

Before I get started, I want to say that this has been a passion of mine for a long time. Having navigated the world of dating and relationships, I wanted to share my experience with you. Having worn a clown mask for years, I'm here to share my experiences. Depending on your current situation, you might find a revelation. You might even find healing here. Now that we've got all that out of the way, let's get down to it... yes, I'm a serial dater/girlfriend.

 I'm a 'Mumu' for love because I believe in it! Mostly because of my Christian upbringing and wanting to create relationships I never saw growing up. My life has reached a point where my genuine desire is for healing and happiness. Sharing the journey is part of the healing process.

What comes to mind when I mention the opposite sex? Let me start with... Disappointing, waste of time, delusional, caring, kind, strong and fiiiineeee!.

I know you're probably thinking this girl is such a confused yam head. But now that I've seen what it looks like, I have learned to separate the men I've met and their actions from the men I know are out there. How have I done that you ask? Literally a mixture of optimism and vibes. It's a shame, but since the 2020 lockdown, when everyone was panic buying toilet roll, audacity was up for grabs too, so most men are still going through it. ' Most men' is the key. I'm also convinced some of these guys intentionally play with mental health, so I stay prayed up because I refuse to let any weapon they form against me prosper. Men that I've dated throughout my life, yes you are weapons, and no, you haven't prospered! Let's move on.

I can't blame the opposite sex for everything when it comes to dating and relationships. It's all about accountability. On both sides of the spectrum, I've definitely been the problem. The first was to see the red flags were waving, but that Ray Charles was hitting hard, and the second was to have entertaining encounters out of boredom. Wherever I found myself, I always had my get-out-of-jail-free card (how very Christian of me!) What’s that you ask? Well, I like to call it the "Swipe Right Defence" - because you know that it's never really your fault, right? Well, it’s the one thing I would identify as the problem in the relationship. I would tell myself if this either doesn’t change or becomes more problematic, then this will be the reason I leave. So when it got too much for me, I would be swinging that card left, right and centre. When’re and when it ended, I didn’t feel sad about the relationship coming to an end because I already knew it was coming.

“But Vanessa, you can’t just leave relationships just because they have a red card trait.” Yes, I can, and yes, I have because in this life, mediocrity is not my portion. If you are not willing to celebrate me and meet me in the middle at least, then what is all this for?

Take this for example, I was in and out of a relationship for 4 years. Every time we broke up and got back together something would improve but the one thing I truly needed remained stagnant in the relationship. This was a lack of intentionality. I felt like he was not willing to build with me; I never met his friends or family but he seemed to have this strong conviction that I was the one. So, I thought to myself, maybe it's time to break up and just get a pet rock that never leaves me hanging! I spent years making excuses when the fruit or lack thereof was clear. Imagine if I had stayed another year longer. So yes… it's my fault!

Any relationship encounter I've had is actually my fault because I've known I deserve more but haven't acted accordingly. Realistically, it's not that the men I meet are bad people, we’re just not for each other and stayed steady forcing something we knew wasn’t right. We have all witnessed it happen. You communicate with a man what you want and need out of the relationship but for him it seems like such a chore. Then you see him get into another relationship and it seems he’s willing to move heaven and earth for the next woman. . (If I’m honest this has never happened to me, because I’m a vibe you can’t replace lol but I’ve seen it happen so stick with me on this one)

It’s not that you weren’t enough and I know it feels that way but trust me, you can be the whole package but just at the wrong door. All I can say is, men and their mysterious ways! Sometimes it's like trying to solve an unsolved mystery. I guess the key is to just find the right one who will be willing to put in the effort from the beginning. It hurts when you have this mentality, but in actuality, it's easier to separate the man from the actions, do what's necessary, and then leave.

With that being said, let me address the men that just hate women. They thrive on being in relationships with women who they perceive to be confident just to see how much they can push them to the edge. It's like a bully picking on someone they think is weaker, except in this case the bully is using psychological rather than physical tactics.

Shout out 2018 bae! I’ll never forget you! You almost took me out but God! Please ask me why I was in Dubai crying on a boat because of someone’s egg head of a son! whew ‘chile’ so anyway, as much as I was damaged by the relationship (and I mean really damaged as in Mirtazapine and therapy damaged) it helped me to focus on myself and got me to a place where I realised my mental health was fragile.

I was legit depending on a man to fix me. I was in a place where I was so vulnerable. Honestly, I never would have understood the importance of addressing trauma if it wasn’t for my eight months with him. I kid you not, most of my life I had been passive and non-confrontational with friends and men, but he actually brought out the fighter in me. As in knuck if you buck! That relationship taught me how to stand up for myself in all areas of my life and not to allow people to see me as weak!

While my life has progressed, his has remained stagnant. I don’t necessarily find joy in that but more of a victory because your girl is resilient and literally in every relationship since him, I have not allowed myself to get to the point he pushed me to.

Over time I have met so many men, and what I have really realised is that I have a type. Not just aesthetically but personality and life stage-wise. I tend to have always been the more dominant person in the relationship financially, emotionally, etc. which is actually a big problem for me because it doesn’t align with my desire to be feminine. No one shoot me but I can tell you 100% of my relationships, I have felt like the captain steering the ship. 

My boyfriends were just along for the ride. Imagine how tired I am as a woman to be ‘strong’ and dominant. This is why all I really want is someone to meet me at my weakness and let me milk it! I too want to be a passenger princess! I have always felt that no man will treat me how I need to be treated so again, I have settled for what has been available to me. I truly believe in the pursuit and I just don’t feel like I’ve got that which has made me question time and time again; why don’t men want me? When we settle, we will always see what is missing and try to make it work.

AGAIN… hear me, it’s not that I think I am better than anyone, I just have not given myself the chance to experience what I truly want out of a relationship. My optimism is what has kept me in a certain mentality.

Someone is out there praying to God “Let me have an intelligent, God-fearing woman, with a loud laugh and thick thighs!” If you’re the man praying that oddly specific prayer, I exist but God is still working on me as I am sure he is working on you too!

As I move forward with the lessons I have learned I have one big takeaway. That is to pray before I move into anything, not just relationships but any area of life. I am sure that I could have avoided the majority, if not all of the heartbreak I have experienced, had I just taken the time to let my steps be ordered.

“Do not awaken love before its time” Songs of Solomon 8:4  

What I love most about the book Songs of Solomon is that it talks about pure love. King Solomon allegorically describes God’s love as the love a man has for a woman. It won't do for me if my future husband doesn't tell me that my "lips drop sweetness as honeycomb" and "milk and honey" are "under my tongue". Respectfully! Going forward, I have to want the absolute finest for myself and expect more than that!