Ladies, I’m back! You know I love to share my life experiences with you so here I am with another overshare. In the words of Tamela Mann, “Truth is I’m tired!” capital T! What am I tired of you ask? I'm so tired of being "needed" that I'm going to start charging a fee!
I know last time I said I didn't hate men but ladies… we’re in the trenches and I’m fighting for my life at this point! SEND HELP! Perhaps I should start a support group? We can call it the "Leave me alone club" and we can all sit around and complain about how a certain type of man won't leave us alone!
Maybe I’m being dramatic! Maybe I'm not, I’ll let you decide! Story time!
So I had this friend right and over the last three years he has made it a point to confess his love for your girl! ANOTHER ONE in DJ Khaled’s voice. So we’ve been friends for years! I truly considered him one of my closest friends. So I thought, let me give him a chance, since we know each other and we’ve been friends for so long. After all, I heard that the best relationships come from friendships! Right! NOPE!
I’ll spare the details and get to the point after three days of good morning texts and dead conversation. I guess he decided it was too difficult to keep up with such a queen, and I don’t blame him! He was no match for my wit and charm, so he bowed out gracefully. After the conversation died out, he returned after a few weeks and said he wanted to try again! I was apprehensive but gave him a trial shift anyway! When I tell you he failed with flying colours, very literally! I told him we could hang out under one condition: "I have to prepare my stock for a Christmas market. Can you help me?" Anyone who knows me knows that when it comes to my brand , I don't play about. Maybe that's where I messed up because, did he help me in any way, shape or form? Nope! Instead, he got drunk, vomited on over £150 worth of stock and to add salt to the wound he went to sleep and let me clean it all up by myself!
When I tell you the DMX spirit was rising up in me! The next morning when he finally awoke from his sweet slumber I was livid and he didn’t understand why! So I laid out the events for him only for him to tell me that I made it all up! You see, the way I deal with conflict is on two extremes, either I’ll drop you bars that will make you wish you never met me or I’ll make you so uncomfortable with silence, the atmosphere alone will make your skin burn (I’m trying my best in this life don’t judge me) I chose the latter. He’d booked his Uber and left my house. I guess you could say it was a silent treatment that sent him packing! It's not finished! On his ride home he decided it would be really cute to send me a text message along these lines “I’m sorry for throwing up in your house. I don’t remember doing it, but if I did I’m sorry!” Listen, if you’re going to apologize, apologize.
So fast forward a few months. I’m going about my life, collecting more trauma from other men like Pokémon and he pops up and says “I need you Vanny” You need me for what again? On a normal day that feeling of being needed by someone can be a real ego boost just knowing that someone depends on me, that they can't get by without my help however, this case was not the same! I mean, if he really needed me, he should have thought of that before making me lose all that money in sales but whatever! I told him that his need for me was selfish and every chance I had given him, he took advantage. I also explained to him, that he literally has nothing to offer me and dropped the mic! He was cheeky enough to respond, “What do you mean I have nothing to offer you? I bought you KFC that day I came over!” Oh my days, yes I forgot, I was wrong, you are the man for me. Whisk me away and you can feed me a family bucket whilst we watch the sunset over Luton! Kwasiasem!
I began to really sit down and question the timeline of our friendship. I realised it was a list of me making deposits whilst he made withdrawals. It was like I was his personal bank and he was an ATM with no limit!! This leads me to my real point: what happens when a man who does nothing for us desires … no 'wants' us and 'wants' from us? When his neediness becomes a burden we can't escape? That, my friends, is what we call the unwanted burden of being needed by men who do nothing for you. I’m very sure most of us have had an experience similar to mine (probably minus the vomit).
What kind of men are we talking about here? Well, you know the type. The ones who always need a favour, a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to listen to their problems. They never seem to be able to take care of themselves, and they're always looking for someone to pick up the slack. What do they do for you in return? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. They don't offer to help you when you need it, they don't listen when you have problems, and they certainly don't do anything to make your life easier. In fact, they often make it harder with their constant demands and endless complaints. Don’t get me wrong, for my friends I will do anything but in a romantic sense, it's a no go area!
So why do we put up with them? Well, there are several reasons. For one thing, we might feel sorry for them. After all, it's not easy to be so helpless and needy all the time. Or we might feel guilty if we don't help them, as if we're somehow responsible for their well-being. And let's be honest, sometimes it can feel good to be needed, even if it's by someone who doesn't deserve our time and attention. But here's the thing I'm learning: I don't have to put up with them for the sake of friendship or because they think they are the one for me. This is a lesson that goes without saying and I have really had to learn about setting boundaries. We can say no, we can choose to prioritise our own needs over theirs. Trust me baby, if he shanans once, he’s going to shenan-again! And yes, it might be uncomfortable or even painful at first, but it's worth it. Because when we stop being the crutch that these men rely on, they might just have to start taking care of themselves for a change. What a beautiful day that will be!
In conclusion, being needed can be a wonderful thing, but only when it's by someone who deserves it. When it's from a man who does nothing for you, please my dear, choose peace! So let's learn to recognize the difference, and surround ourselves with people who lift us up instead of dragging us down. And if we find ourselves in a situation where we're being needed by a man who does nothing for us, let's have the courage to say no, and put ourselves first.
Because we deserve better than being someone's crutch.
We deserve to be someone's equal. Until such a time stay safe, its scary out there!