Written By: Tosin .B
(Image: Delmaine via Getty images)
From as far back as I can remember I have always been a people pleaser. By nature, I take pride in making the people around me feel comfortable and happy even if that meant making myself uncomfortable and unhappy. I would go to every extent to meet the expectations of others. I cared too much about people’s perception of me and keeping up my ‘nice girl’ persona at all cost. I would say yes even when I wanted to say no. It’s not that I didn’t have any desire to live for myself, but it was more of an insecurity of who I am as a person that followed me over the years, to the point where I felt uncomfortable to go against people’s expectations of me. It was never installed in me that being authentic was a good thing, or that going against the status quo made me unique so I just never had the confidence to do so. In fact it frightened me to do so. I was always so insecure about being judged for not doing what a typical person my age “should” be doing, being called, “boring”, “church girl” as they say or simply just singled out for being me, so I would make up for it by trying to always be a yes girl.
I cannot begin to tell you how these regrets followed me into my twenties, to the point where I would replay situations in my head on a daily basis asking myself “Why didn’t you just say no to them?!” or “Why do you always have to overthink whether or not you were nice enough in what you said?" Maybe I should have just said yes to make them happy, cause now they may think I don’t like them.” I soon realised that there was something very crippling both physically and spiritually when you are not doing what truly makes you happy.
One day, it dawned on me… as much as I love to bring joy to those around me, the one thing about me is that I had a limit. I had a limit because as much as I wanted to please people, I knew who I was as a person. I am a person of strong morals and values and that has always been my saving grace. As much as I like to people please, I could never demoralise myself to do so and definitely not at the expense of my own happiness. I would be doing myself a massive injustice! So, if I could have a limit on what I would tolerate then why can’t I do the same when it comes to every other aspect of my life? This is when my outlook on things began to change.
Now, for those thinking “I can definitely relate!”, the one thing I will tell you is the change starts from within. It starts from truly accepting who you are as a person. Accepting that everyone is unique in their own way whether that’s your personality, character traits, physical appearance, likes, dislikes and whatever just makes you, you. You are made in God’s special image and no mistake was made when you were created. The sooner you acknowledge and accept this, the sooner this will set you free. You’re probably thinking “Easier said than done”, and the truth is, it is easier said than done.
It is a whole work in progress and it will not happen over years. You’ll find yourself falling back into old habits or beating yourself up for the way you handled a certain situation. However, making this acknowledgement means you’re already one step closer to becoming the person you know you are and deep down want to be.
Being selfless Is wonderful, but learning to put yourself first when it matters is also a strong and courageous trait. It means you have limits and standards and at some point you have to respect yourself.
This journey has been HARD and am I still forcing myself out of old habits but I can truly say I l have finally learnt to love and accept who I am as a person and the feeling is truly liberating! I no longer do what makes me uncomfortable, from the places that I go, to the way that I dress, to the conversations I indulge in. I am conscious about every decision I make. Don’t get me wrong, I still very much love the feeling of putting a smile on someone’s face but being true to myself is the best gift I can give to myself and those around me.
If there is one thing I would tell my younger self or any person reading this is just be yourself. You’ve probably heard this saying many times, but take it from someone who has come out on the other end.
Life is too short to not do what genuinely makes you happy.
DO NOT care about what people think or say about you. I’m still learning this. Believe me, even when you do conform to society’s standards, people will still have something to say. You don’t want to look back and have regrets of things you could have done or said differently because it can really eat you up. Even if it feels uncomfortable now, one day you’ll wake up and realise that you actually love the person that you are and you will find that the people around YOU will adjust themselves to even be able to relate with you.
And if they don’t, well then, they’re simply not meant to be in your life and that is more than okay! You cannot be for everyone.
So, I challenge you to make a change.
Step out into the world with a new and improved perspective. Work with what you have and being the best version of who you have been called to be not what the world says you should be. Do what makes you happy, because really and truly what can anyone do or say if you choose to...? Right, nothing. You won’t regret it ;)
(If you are struggling with people pleasing check this article out below: written by a Black Female Therapist.)
Stumbled across this today, exactly what I needed to read/hear.
Really appreciated this article, looking forward to more.
Just what I needed this morning.
Love!